I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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