I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
