One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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