Pants 0. Shit 1.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
