i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
