Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
