....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
