The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
