I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
