Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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