I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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