I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my phone needs a breathalizer
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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