Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
