I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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