I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
