if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
