the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
