the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
