I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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