Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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