If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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