just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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