Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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