I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
