i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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