She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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