At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
