Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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