My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize