I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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