You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
