I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize