Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
