I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
