I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
