sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
