Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
