me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
