im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
