I got chris browned last night
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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