I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
