There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
