so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
