it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize