I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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