Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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