I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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