It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
