One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
