If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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