Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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