When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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