So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
