Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
