I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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