I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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