now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
