I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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